Jan. 5th, 2017

So, hello.

The problem with not posting and then posting is the feeling that I should probably address the gap in between, which, when most of the reasons for not posting is laziness, sound bad. Especially if we consider these journals to be in conversation, you know? I'm not saying anything and then I do... well, you needn't respond, of course.

Um.

Since June 25th (my last post), the following has happened:
*I attended a storytelling conference.
*I said something to a friend who was on the board of the conference organization about wanting to do more service work, expecting to be told to stuff envelopes or make phone calls, as I haven't done any service work for this group, and while I may have been secretary on a few different boards, they were for smaller divisions of other organizations, so I certainly wasn't expecting him to say the board could use a secretary.
*I am now the secretary for a national organization.
*I wondered how this would jibe with my job - not that I don't have days I can use for this or anything, and I'm sure it would all work out, but half a second after wondering, a voice in my head told me it didn't matter what the people at my job thought, because I was going to be quitting and moving to Oregon. I found that a strange thought, and yet it was the most beautiful thought I'd ever had, and it filled my soul with shining glee. I told other people - my wise council, the people I expect to give me the balls-honest truth when I say I have a voice in my head telling me to quit my job and move - and they all applauded the voice. I reminded them the voice said nothing about what I would do for work, just that I was quitting and moving, and they all nodded and cheered me on.
*In December, I officiated the wedding of a beloved nephew and his beautiful bride.
*In December, upon coming back to work, I announced I was quitting, and compromised on ending my work January 20 instead of December 30. As this is not going to give me a lot of time to prepare for the first meeting of the board I'm now on, I am what is known as AN IDIOT. But one who is quitting so hahahahaha.
*In December, at the end of the month, I discovered I had only written about 160K this year, but I still decided to pledge 200K again. After, all, in a very short period of time I will have a lot of time to write. Hopefully I will actually write.

This brings us to today, when the people at work sprung a counter-offensive, offering to let me do my job but in Portland.

This sounded so good I almost said yes. But a part of me - and I think the voice is part of this - wonders if I'm not going for security in place of liberty. Granted, I've had to trust that my job was to quit and then things would work out, and um, this would work out. But... I think I need out. Maybe just this firm, or maybe law firms altogether.

I have not made a decision yet. My boss is in favor of me doing this, but only if I'm serious about the job. It is, in part, out of concern that I'm not going to be happy long term, and in part, I'm certain, out of concern that she's just going to have to replace me when I fuck off and quit.

And had she not brought it up in concern of my happiness (and hers), I would have done just that, gone up with the job, and started looking around, because it's easier to find a job when you have a job, yadda yadda. But now I feel I'd be false, and I just can't do that.

There's more to the story. But it's late and I think we can all agree this is a lot to digest. I have promised a member of the wise council to make no decision tonight, or at least to not announce a decision. If I come to a decision and still feel strong about it in 24 hours, well, great, shout it out. But for now, you should know that I'm moving to Portland after Escapade.

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rattlecatcher

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